March 31, 2007

~ Randomly...

The morning after our chat, this part of the chat kept coming back into my detached mind.

glow in the dark love says:
the thing is..jancy, life sucks. u know that. so u shldnt sabotage ur chances of finding happiness.

The feeling? Sad. Though I don't know for what. I kept thinking about it on the bus ride to the MRT, adjourned the thinking while I tried to focus on 'Therapy' and 'I want to be buried in your backyard', and resumed thinking about that part of our chat while I walked to my office.

Then, I began asking myself. What happiness? I used to be able to grasp happiness as a state, as a concept, and could probably even draw it out, picture it in some way. It's like having a dictionary on hand and knowing exactly how and where to find a particular word. But, I can't seem to find this dictionary anymore. Like, I'm coming across words whose meanings elude even the dictionary.

Life sucks. I know it. But I shouldn't sabotage my chances of finding happiness. The problem is, I don't seem to know what's my own happiness anymore. And it doesn't even feel like it matters that I don't know. Because I'm dealing one day at a time.

In truth, I think perhaps I don't want to grasp the idea of happiness. Only to have it elude me again, proving yet again, life SUCKS.

I wouldn't have guessed that any of my friends is still expecting me to be not OK. Probably that's why I feel disconnected. Anyway, I appreciate you telling me it's all right to admit I'm not OK and in fact, half expecting me to not be OK. Empathy is a great gift, and it's even greater that you verbalise it.

xxx

Lunch mengobrol 1

Snowlette: When I come back later, I'd tell you about how we celebrated on the day I got my driving license.
Emman: Huh?
Me: No. Don't ever let him get started. It's one of the most regretful things I ever did in my life.
Emman: What was it you said?
Me: Are you going to tell him about erm, the HMV? What I did at HMV?
Snowlette: What HMV? It wasn't at HMV.
Me: It is!
Snowlette: No... it's at Swiss Culture.
Me: No lah. We met at HMV first...
Emman: What? What?
Snowlette: On the day that I got my driving license, she gave me a hug and I squeezed her arse.
Emman: Oh! I always knew you guys had a history.
Me: (laughs) No! Ok. I gave you a hug. That's true. And I still regret it till today. But the later part is not true!
Snowlette: It is. (nods) It is.
Me: No... that didn't happen lor.
Snowlette: I was close...
Me: Oh my god. Ok. I didn't feel anything ok! (thinks: why did we even have to bring this up? Jeez...)

You pervert... haha...

xxx

Shower of thoughts 1

I just suddenly had this thought.

Maybe I'd just marry anyone who can make me not dislike honeydew. Don't even have to like, just not dislike.

Shower of thoughts 2

I did the powerpoint slideshow in June. While she was holidaying with her colleagues in Tioman, I think. It distracted me from missing her too much, and checking my handphone every 15 minutes.

She was so awed when she saw the slideshow. She said I did it much better than the movies she did for me.

The sweet, romantic stuff we did for each other.

How could things change that much in a matter of 3 bloody months?

xxx

I'm in a 'I-should-do-something-productive-for-myself-this-weekend' kind of mood. Productive as in, I should go do whatever I've been procrastinating for the past 2 weeks. Like, get my anti-virus software, get birthday presents in arrears, get some real shopping done.

But I've got a feeling it will end up a 'Shit-I've-nuahed-away-my-weekend-again' kind of weekend.

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:41